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A Touch of Humour for All

If we can’t laugh at ourselves, well, we may need a little attention. Laughter is the best medicine, as stated in Reader’s Digest. Below is some humour collected from a wide variety of sources.

Also included are some sayings by people well known and not so well known.

 

Another update.   – 18 August 2017

 

Periodically I hear bad grammar, misplaced modifiers, etc. on CBC Radio.  I find them amusing.  I also find them frustrating because I regularly hear such obvious mistakes, often repeated.  I just wonder who writes these sentences and whether anyone else reads them before they go on air.  I am not singling out CBC because it occurs on other local readio and television stations as well.

In the hope of these writers improving their skills, I will periodically add below, ones I hear.  Sometimes I don’t have paper handy to write them down before I forget them.
— Keith Lindsey

An Overweight Province?
On the Friday, 18 August 2017 8:00 am news by Ottawa CBC Radio One, I heard the following:
“… in one of the most obese provinces.”

 

 

Television
Paddy and Murphy were at the airport, queuing at check-in at the beginning of their holiday.
“I wish I’d brought the TV with me” said Paddy.
“Why’s that?” asked Murphy.
“Because the tickets are on top of it.”

 

A Politician and an Honest Man
Paddy was walking through a graveyard when he came across a headstone with the inscription “Here lies a politician and an honest man”.
“Faith now,” exclaimed Paddy, “I wonder how they got the two of them in one grave.”

 

Barking Dog
Paddy and his wife were lying in bed listening to the next door neighbour’s dog.  It had been barking for hours and hours.
Paddy jumped out of bed and said “I’ve had enough of this,” and he went downstairs.
Paddy finally came back to bed and his wife asked “The dog is still barking, what did you do?”
Paddy answered, “I put the dog in our backyard, let’s see how they like it!”

 

Mother and an Alarm Clock
Mothers are the best alarm clocks: ask her to wake you at 7:00 am.
And she’ll call you at 6:00 am saying it’s 8:00 am.

 

Bubble Wrap
I asked my boss “What do you want me to do with this six meter roll of bubble wrap?”
He replied “Just pop it in the corner.”
Four hours it took me!

 

How to wash a cat
1.  Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2.  Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3.  In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid.  You may need to stand on the lid.
4.  At this point the cat will self agitate and make ample suds.  Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this!
5.  Flush the toilet three or four times.  This provides a ‘Power Wash’ and ‘Rinse’.
6.  Have someone open the front door of your home.  Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7.  Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
8.  The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9.  Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Yours sincerely,
The Dog

 

Airplane Out of Control
Paddy and Mick were in a two man airplane that was spiralling out of control.
Mick said “If the plane turns upside down, d’ya think we’ll fall out?”
“Of course not,” Paddy replied, “we’ve been mates for years!”

 

Too High on ladder
Paddy was doing some roofing for Murphy.  He neared the top of the ladder and started shaking and going dizzy.
He called down to Murphy and said, “I tink I will ave to go home.  I’ve gone all giddy and feel sick.”
Murphy asked “Ave yer got vertigo, Paddy?”
Paddy replied, “No, I only live around the corner.”

 

Three Drunks and a Taxi Ride
Three drunk guys enetered a taxi.  The taxi driver knew they were drunk so he started the engine and turned it off again.  He told them, “We are here.”
The first guy gave him the money and the second guy said, “Thank you.”
The third guy gave the driver a slap.
The driver was shocked, thinking the third drunk knew what he did.  But he asked, “What’s that for?”
The third guy replied, “CONTROL YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME, YOU NEARLY KILLED US!”

 

Alarm Clock Setting
Paddy says to Murphy, “Set the alarm for five in the morning.”
Murphy replies, “Shut up you idiot, there’s only two of us!”

 

Making Friends Off Facebook
I am trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles.
Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, and will do later with whom.
I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.
I also listen to their conversations, give them the “thumbs up”, and tell them I like them.
And it works just like Facebook!  I already have four people following me: two police officers, a private investigator, and a psychiatrist.

 

Things My Mother Taught Me
1.  My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.  “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside.  I just finished cleaning.”
2.  My mother taught me RELIGION.  “You’d better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
3.  My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.  “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week.”
4.  My mother taught me LOGIC.  “Because I said so, that’s why.”
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.  “If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
6.  My mother taught me FORESIGHT.  “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
7.  My mother taught me IRONY.  “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
8.  My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.  “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
9.  My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.  “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your nexk.”
10.  My mother taught me about STAMINA.  “You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

 

10 Things Your Mom Never Told You
1.  You made her cry … a lot.
2.  She wanted that last piece of pie.
3.  It hurt.
4.  She was always afraid.
5.  She knows she’s not perfect.
6.  She watched you as you slept.
7.  She carried you a lot longer than nine months.
8.  It broke her heart every time you cried.
9.  She put you first.
10.  She would do it all again.

 

Swatting Flies
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.  “What are you doing? she asked.
“Hunting flies,” he replied.
“Oh, killed any?” she said.
“Yep, three males and two females,” came the answer.
Intrigued, the wife asked, “How can you tell them apart?”
The husband replied, “three were on a beer can and two were on the phone.”

 

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven
1st woman:  Hi Wanda!
2nd woman:  Hi Sylvia!  How’d you die?
1st woman:  I froze to death.
2nd woman:  How horrible!
1st woman:  It wasn’t so bad.  After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death.  What about you?
2nd woman:  I died of a massive heart attack.  I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.  But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching television.
1st woman:  So what happened?
2nd woman:  I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.  I ran up to the attic and searched and down to the basement.  Then I went through every closet abd checked under all the beds.  I kept this up until I had looked everywhere and finally became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman:  Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer – we’d both still be alive.

 

Going to a Bar to Enjoy a Drink
An angry wife was complaining about her husband, Paddy, spending all his free time in a bar.  So one night he took her along with him.
“What’ll you have? he asked.
“Oh I don’t know.  The same as you I suppose,” she replied.
Paddy ordered a couple of Jack Daniels and threw his down in one shot.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.  “Yuck, that’s TERRIBLE!” she spluttered.
“I don’t know how you can drink this stuff!”
“Well there you go.” cried Paddy.  “And you think I’m out enjoying myself every night.”

 

Life After Death
Boss: Do you believe in life after death?
Employee: Certainly not!  There’s no proof of it.
Boss: Well there is now.  After you left early yesterday to go to your uncle’s funeral, he came here looking for you.

 

Asking if Drunk
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?

 

Painting Around the House
Paddy was painting his lounge and his wife walked inand couldn’t believe how well he was doing with the sweat dripping off him.
She said, “Why are you wearing a leather jacket and a parka?”
Paddy said, “Hellooooo!  Read the label on the tin.  It says ‘for best results put two coats on’!”

 

Holding the Door Open
I held the door open for a beautiful blonde in the pub last night.
My wife said, “You’ve never held the door open for me.”
I said, “What about the time you threatened to leave?”

 

Complete and Finished
No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words “COMPLETE” and “FINISHED”.
Some people say there is no difference between “COMPLETE” and “FINISHED”, but there is.
When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE and when you marry the wrong woman you are FINISHED!
When your wife catches you with another woman you are COMPLETE FINISHED and when your wife likes shopping so much you are FINISHED COMPLETELY.

 

Driving Women Crazy
What’s four inches long, two inches wide, and drives women crazy?
That damn empty toilet paper roll.

 

About a Woman
The woman came from a man’s rib.  Not from his feet to be walked on.  Not from his head to be superior, but from the side to be equal.  Under the arm to be protected, and next to the heart to be loved.

 

Experience of Life
A well-worn Royal Bank of Scotland £1 note and a £20 note in a similar well-used state arrived at the bank’s cash centre in Edinburgh to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they began to compare their experiences.

The £20 note had been to the finest hotels and restaurants across the country, been used to buy theatre tickets and train and airline tickets, even been accepted in night clubs in London (after being held up to a bright light).

The £1 note was impressed at the exciting life of its relative. Then the £20 note asked “Where have you been in your lifetime?”

The £1 note, trying to think of places to impress, said “Well, I’ve been to the collection plates in the Church of Scotland, the Catholic Church, the Free Church of Scotland, the Presbyterian Church…”

The £20 note interrupted at that point to ask “What’s a church?”

 

How Long Will I Live?
Mrs McFlannel was most upset when she phoned her doctor early one morning.  She asked the doctor in a trembling voice: “Is it true that the medication you prescribed for me yesterday has to be taken for the rest of my life?”

The doctor confirmed this was the case.

After a moment of silence Mrs McFlannel continued, “I wonder then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked ‘No Refills’.”

 

Life Support
Morag McMurtrie was getting on in years and she was visiting one of her elderly relatives in Glasgow’s Royal Infirmary.  She hadn’t been in a hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new technology.

A technician followed her onto the lift, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials. Being a typical, friendly, talkative Glaswegian, she remarked to the technician, “I would hate to be hooked up to that thing.”

“Aye, so would I,” replied the technician. “It’s a floor-cleaning machine.”

 

Age Becomes You
While passing through a Highland village, two middle-aged ladies stopped at a local hotel for a bite to eat.  Sitting on a wall outside was a little, wizened old man, smoking a pipe.

Before leaving, the ladies stopped to speak to him.  One of the ladies commented on how cheery he was and asked for his secret for a long happy life.

Taking his pipe from his mouth, the man replied: “I smoke 60 cigarettes plus an ounce of tobacco every day, I drink a case of whisky a week, I take no exercise and I eat fatty foods.”

The ladies were surprised at the answer and one then asked how old he was.

Once again removing his pipe, the little wizened man looked up and said “Thirty-six.”

 

Getting Older
Sadie was getting on in years and was sometimes a bit forgetful.  She would go upstairs to do something – and when she got there, she couldn’t remember what it was.

One day, after a few such episodes, she said to her husband Donald “Oh my goodness, I think my mind is almost gone”.

Donald, who had been reading the paper, scarcely looked up but commented dryly: “I’m not surprised. You’ve been giving me a piece of your mind for over 60 years.”

 

Part in a Play
A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play.

“Wonderful,” said the mother, “What part is it?”

The boy said “I play the part of the Scottish husband!”

The mother scowled and said: “Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part.”

 

Going to Heaven
The Sunday School teacher asked the class “How many of you want to go to Heaven?”

Everyone but wee Hughie put their hand up.

“Don’t you want to go to Heaven, Hughie” asked the teacher.

“I can’t miss. My Mum said I had to come straight home after Sunday School.”

 

Rain
A visitor to the Isle of Lewis was getting exasperated by day after day of grey cloud and drizzling rain.  After two weeks of this he asked a youngster who was passing “Does the weather here ever change?” to which the youngster replied “I don’t know. I’m only six years old.”

 

New Hymn
Jeannie came home from Sunday School and told her mother that she had learned a new song about “a cross-eyed bear named Gladly”.

It took her mother a while before she realised that the hymn was really “Gladly The Cross I’d Bear.”

 

Last Wish
George had been hen-pecked by his house-proud Edinburgh wife all his married life.  Eventually he passed away and when the lawyer read out George’s last will and testament, everyone understood.  George’s final request was that his ashes should be scattered on the living room carpet.

 

Cheap at the Price
Heather was driving home from a trip to Inverness when she saw an elderly Highland woman walking on the side of the road in the pouring rain.  Heather stopped and asked the woman if she would like a lift.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Heather tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the woman. The old lady just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the back seat.

“Whit’s in bag?” asked the old woman.

Heather said, “It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.”

The Highland woman was silent for another moment or two. Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: “Good trade.”

 

Sharing Troubles and Stresses
Morag told her boy friend “When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles, and lighten your burden.”

Donald, smiled and said: “It’s very kind of you, dear, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.”

Morag also smiled – the knowing smile of a woman wise in the ways of the world and responded: “Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.”

 

Never Expires
Jessie noticed that her husband Davie had been reading their marriage certificate for well over an hour.

Touched by such sentimentality, she asked Davie “What are you doing?”

Jerked out of his reverie, Davie replied “Oh, nothing really.”

Jessie was not satisfied and commented “You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for over an hour.”

Davie looked up again and explained at last: “I was looking for an expiry date…” He is recovering well in the Southern General Hospital.

 

Get a TV
At a coffee bar in Byres Road in Glasgow’s smart West End, young Shona and her friends were discussing what the “ideal partner” would be like.

Shona launched into her description (having clearly given a lot of thought to the subject). “The man I marry must be entertaining amongst company and be smart and intelligent.  He must be musical.  Tell jokes so that I laugh – and so do others.  He should be able to sing romantic songs.  And – of course – stay home at night!”

A grey-haired woman at the next table looked over and commented:“Lassie, if that’s all you want, get a TV.”

 

Recipe for a Good Marriage
Tavish McTavish was a stranger to the Auchenshuggle Arms but told the assembled gathering that he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary and his wife and he rarely had an argument.

When asked for his secret for a happy married life he replied “Well, I’ve tried to treat her well, spend money on her, tell her that’s she the best wife a man ever had, but the best thing I ever did was to take her to Italy for our 20th wedding anniversary.”

Someone asked what he was planning to do for their 50th wedding anniversary, to which Tavish replied “I’m going back to Italy – to collect her and bring her back.”

 

Night Out
Dugald suggested to his wife that they should go out for the evening and have some fun and enjoyment.

His wife agreed immediately and then remarked “If you get home before I do, leave the hallway lights on.”

 

Good Tip
Sadie and her husband used the same desk-top PC but she was getting fed up with her spouse reading her e-mails.

Then a friend (who had the same problem) gave her a tip that stopped the intrusion dead in its tracks.  She renamed the mail folder “Instruction Manuals” and he never went near it again.

 

Family Dispute
Davie McFlannel became alarmed at the sounds of shouting and fighting in the house next door and eventually phoned the police.

The police responded about two hours later – expecting that things would have calmed down by then.  But the noise of crockery breaking and thumps and bangs suggested that the fighting was still in progress.  The police constable knocked loudly on the door and eventually a disheveled woman answered the door.  The policeman demanded to know “Who’s head of the family here?” and was promptly told: “Just wait there another five minutes – I’m settling that right now.”

 

Learning Your Numbers
The teacher asked little Jimmy McGregor if he knew his numbers. “Yes,” he said. “I do. My father taught me.”

“Good. What comes after three.””Four,” answered the boy.

“What comes after six?” “Seven.”

“Very good,” said the teacher. “Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?””A jack,” said Jimmy.

 

How to Make Babies
Seven-year-old Morag came home from school and said to her grandmother, “Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.”

The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep calm. “That’s interesting,” she said, “how do you make babies?”

“It’s simple,” replied Morag. “You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es’.”

 

Goodbye Kiss
Young Kirsty was in the bathroom, watching her mother putting on her makeup, as she had done many times before. After her mother applied her lipstick and started to leave, young Kirsty looked up and said, “But Mummy, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!”

 

Bad Grammar
Wee Donald wasn’t very good at grammar and spelling at Auchentoshan Primary School and the teacher kept testing him in the hope that he would eventually learn. One day the teacher asked Wee Donald “Give me a sentence beginning with ‘I’ “

Wee Donald thought for a moment and then began “I is…”

The teacher angrily interrupted him and firmly said: “How many times do I have to tell you that you must always say ‘I am’ !”

Wee Donald looked crestfallen and resumed: “All right. I am the letter in the alphabet after H….”

 

Facts of Life
A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth in a field and noticed that his son was watching from the fence.  The farmer thought it was maybe time to tell his son about the “birds and the bees” so when the calf was duly born, he walked over and casually said to his wide-eyed son, “Well, do you have any questions?”

The boy blurted out “Just one question – how fast was that calf going when he hit the cow?”

 

How Does It Come Out?
Catriona’s mother was trying hard to get the tomato ketchup out of the bottle (we all know how hard that is) when the phone rang.  Thinking that it was probably her husband phoning to say he was going to be late – again – she asked Catriona to answer it.  She regretted that decision as soon as she heard Catriona say to the caller “Mum can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.”

 

Don’t Wear That
Wee Morag was watching her parents getting dressed for the annual office dinner/dance and she watched as her father put on his black bow tie and evening suit.  She looked up and said sadly “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit and tie.”

Her father looked surprised and asked why not. Wee Morag, wise beyond her years, replied “You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.”

 

What’s the Baby’s Name?
Four year old Elspeth was excited when she was told that her mother was expecting a baby.  She listened carefully to everything her parents said about the impending birth.  So when she was out shopping with her mother and they met a neighbour, she wanted to join in the conversation about the new arrival.

She got her opportunity when she was asked if she was excited about having a baby brother or sister.  “Oh yes,” she replied, “and I know what the baby’s name is to be.  If it’s a girl we’re going to call her Christina, and if it’s a boy we’re going to call it Quits!”

 

Mummy and Daddy
Wee Morag was only three, but she had an enquiring mind.  So when she dropped a chocolate biscuit on the ground and her mother told her not to pick it up, she inevitably asked “Why?”

Her mother explained that it could have picked up germs that could give her a sore tummy if she ate them.

Wee Morag was impressed by this answer and then asked “How do you know all this stuff?”

Her mother thought quickly and reckoned she was being clever by replying “It’s in the Mummy test – they don’t let you be a Mummy unless you know it all.”

Wee Morag pondered this new revelation for a few moments and then beamed up at her Mum. “I get it! If you fail the test you have to be the Daddy.”

 

Good Advice
Fiona was a working mum and she was struggling to cope with her job and look after the house and two lively children.  Whenever the tension and stress was too much and giving her a headache, she recalled the advice of her own mother on how deal with the situation: “Do what it says on the aspirin bottle: ‘Take two aspirin’ and ‘Keep away from children.’ It works every time.”

 

Corner Stone
In a London street, two Highlanders stood looking at the imposing front of a large building. The corner-stone bore the date in Roman characters, “MCMIV.”

“Look at that, Jock,” said Sandy proudly, “Ah don’t know what clan he came from, but he’s got his name on one of the finest buildings in London. You canna keep oor boys doon, can ye ?”

 

Other Side
Jessie was out for a walk and came to a river and saw Maggie on the opposite bank.

“Hello there,” she shouted, “how can I get to the other side?”

Maggie looked up the river, then down the river, then shouted back, “You ARE on the other side.”

 

Jigsaw Puzzle
Hector and Hamish were delighted that they had finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time and told Sandy that the hundred pieces had only taken them six months to fit together.

Sandy was unimpressed and said that sounded a long time.

“Not at all” said Hamish, “It said on the box three to five years.”

 

Buttons
Hamish’s mother sent him a woolly cardigan she had knitted and enclosed a wee note. “Dear son, to save weight and postage, I have cut off the buttons. You’ll find them in a little bag in the right-hand pocket.”

 

Holes
Callum was intrigued by two men working on a country road.  One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on.  The other man came along 25 feet behind and filled in the hole.

“Hold it, hold it,” Callum said to the men. “Can you tell me what’s going on here?”

“Well, we work for the county,” one of the men said.

“But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You’re not accomplishing anything. Aren’t you wasting the county’s money?”

“You don’t understand, mister,” one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. “Normally there’s three of us: me, Hugh and Willie. I dig the hole, Hugh sticks in the tree and Willie here puts the dirt back. Now just because Hugh’s sick, that doesn’t mean that Willie and me can’t work.”

 

New Exercise Plan
Sadie was telling her friend about the new exercise plan that was guaranteed to lose pounds.  The essential element in the plan was to exercise very early in the morning – before your brain can figure out what you’re doing and stop you.

 

Sadness, Elation and Woe
As part of an “out-reach” programme, one of the doctors from a Highland psychiatric hospital was out in Tillietudlum village hall giving a lecture to the local residents on emotional extremes.

“Just to establish some parameters,” said the doctor, “Can anyone tell me what is the opposite of joy?”

“Sadness,” said one of the locals.

“And the opposite of depression?”

After a pause, Donald McDonald suggested “Elation.” The doctor, getting into his stride now, then asked “And how about the opposite of woe?”

Calum McCalum, a farmhand, piped up “I believe that would be giddy-up.”

 

Express Service
The Sainsbury Supermarket at Braehead near Glasgow was extremely busy one Thursday evening – when the stores stay open longer to encourage customers to spend, spend, spend.  The queue at the check-outs were getting longer and longer, but the express lane (for baskets with less than ten items) was quiet as most customers had bought a lot more than that.   Completely ignoring the sign, a large woman unloaded her overflowing trolley-load onto the conveyor belt.  The shopping reached the cashier and the lady was getting ready to pack her goods away, after they had been scanned.

The cashier looked up at the lady and said sweetly “And which ten items would you like to buy?” After some loud arguing, during which a supervisor (trying hard not to smile) backed up the cashier, the lady had to load her shopping back on the trolley and join the end of one of the long queues at another lane.

 

Never Under Estimate the Guile of a Scotsman
A English lawyer and a Scotsman were sitting next to each other on a train.  The lawyer was thinking that the Scots are so dumb that he could put one over on him easily.  So the lawyer asked if he would like to play a fun game.

The Scot was tired and just wanted to take a nap, so he politely declined and tried to catch a few winks

The lawyer persisted, and said that the game was a lot of fun.  “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only £5; you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you £500”.

This caught the Scots attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agreed to play the game.

The lawyer asked the first question. “What’s the distance from The Earth to the Moon?”

The Scot didn’t say a word, reached in his pocket pulled out a five pound note and handed it to the lawyer.

Now, it was his turn.  He asked the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”

The lawyer used his laptop and searched all references he could find on the Net.  He sent e-mails to all the smart friends he knew, all to no avail.  After one hour of searching he finally gave up.  He woke up the Scot and handed him £500.  He happily pocketed the £500 and went right back to sleep.

The lawyer was going nuts not knowing the answer.  He woke the Scot up and asked, “Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?”

The Scot reached in his pocket, handed the lawyer £5 and went back to sleep.

And the moral of this little tale? Never underestimate the guile of a Scotsman!

 

No Slacking Here!
Walter McCracken, the new chief executive of the Camlachie Engineering Works was determined to stamp out waste and get rid of any staff not pulling their weight.  On a tour of the factory, McCracken noticed a worker leaning on a wall, hands in pockets and just watching the other men working away.

McCracken decided to show everyone he meant business, walked up the man and asked, “And how much money do you make a week?”

Still with his hands in his pockets, the young man looked at him and replied, “I make £400 a week. Why?”

Without hesitation, McCracken took out his wallet, handed the man £400 in cash and screamed (so that he could be heard by as many other workers as possible): “Here’s a week’s pay. Now GET OUT and don’t come back!”

The man left immediately and McCracken, feeling pretty good about his first cleansing of a slacker, looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker was doing here?”

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers muttered, “Delivering pizza.”

 

Taken to the Cleaners
The brash young vacuum cleaner salesman was going door to door in Ecclefechan and his polished technique was successfully getting orders.  Full of optimism he knocked at the door of a wee cottage at the end of the village and an old lady answered.  As soon as she realised what he was, she told him to clear off, saying she had no money, and tried to close the door.

But the salesman wedged his foot in the door and continued his sales patter.  “Wait till you see the demonstration” he insisted.  “I’ve got a bucket of soot and horse manure and this vacuum cleaner will remove every trace.”

Before she could stop him, the salesman threw the contents of the bucket on the hall floor.  “If this vacuum doesn’t make the floor spotless,” he insisted, “I’ll personally eat the remainder.”

The old lady smiled and raised her eyebrows. “In that case, I hope you have a good appetite. The electricity was cut off this morning.”

 

What’s For Dinner?
A young couple, new to the village of Ben Doon, decided to invite the elderly, local minister for a meal.  After welcoming him in, they went to the kitchen to make the finishing touches to the food, leaving the minister to talk to their four-year-old son, Colin.  Struggling to find something to say to the lad, the minister asked if he knew what they were going to be eating.

Colin nodded and announced with conviction “Goat.”

The minister was surprised at this and said “Are you sure about that?” Colin nodded, even more vigorously.

“Yes,” he said. “I heard Dad say to Mum that this was as good a day as any to have the old goat for dinner.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The following is NOT a valid excuse to miss attending church:

Not a vaild excuse!

Not a vaild excuse!

 

Warning:  Some will find the following Grammar section humourous.  If you don’t, then think more closely about what you’re reading and seeing.

GRAMMAR

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Recipe for Happiness

2 heaping cups of patience

1 heart full of love

2 handfuls of generosity

1 head full of understanding

a dash of laughter

sprinkle generously with kindness

Add plenty of faith and mix well.

Spread over a period of a lifetime

Serve everyone you meet

 

Drive Through

My friend’s son worked at a fast food restaurant when he was in high school. One night while he was manning the drive through a customer told him that the intercom wasn’t working properly.

My friend’s son went about filling the order while a female co-worker fiddled with the intercom.

After making some fixes, she asked “Is that okay now?”

“Well no,” the customer replied, “now you sound like a girl.”

 

Exercise for people over 60

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-pound potato bag in each hand, extend your arm straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags and eventually try to get where you can lift a hundred pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arm straight for more than a full minute. (I’m at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

 

The Priest and the Sergeant

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas. Father O’Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

“Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?”

“And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O’Malley at St. Ann’s Catholic Church. There’s a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o’yer lads to take care of the matter?”

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, “Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!”

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O’Malley then replied: “Aye, ’tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.”

 

What the Bible Means

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, “I know what the Bible means!”

His father smiled and replied, “What do you mean, you ‘know’ what the Bible means?

The son replied, “I do know!”

“Okay,” said his father. “What does the Bible mean?”

“That’s easy, Daddy…” the young boy replied excitedly,” It stands for ‘Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.’

 

Anything Breakable?

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.  “Is there anything breakable in here?” asked the postal clerk.

“Only the Ten Commandments.” answered the lady.

 

Parking Dilemma

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter.

Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read, “I have circled the block 10 times.  If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment.  Forgive us our trespasses.”

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note “I’ve circled this block for 10 years.  If I don’t give you a ticket, I’ll lose my job.  Lead us not into temptation.”

 

New Building Program

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation, “I have good news and bad news.

The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program.

The bad news is, it’s still out there in your pockets.”

 

Good Morning

“Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.

There are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good morning, Lord,” and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good Lord, it’s morning!?”

 

Horse Drawn Carriage

While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage.

The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign…

“Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.  Caution: Do not step in exhaust.”

 

God’s Occupation

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, “Boys and girls, what do we know about God?”

A hand shot up in the air. “He is an artist!” said the kindergarten boy.

“Really? How do you know?” the teacher asked.

“You know – Our Father, who does art in Heaven..”

 

Pumping Gas

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend.  The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him.  Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.

“Reverend,” said the young man, “I’m so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.”

The minister chuckled, “I know what you mean. It’s the same in my business.”

 

Placement

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

 

Meaning of Today’s Sunday School Lesson

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.

The daughter answered, “Don’t be scared, you’ll get your quilt.”

Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed.  Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning’s Sunday school lesson was about.

He said “Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.”

 

Substitute Organist

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.  Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.  The substitute wanted to know what to play.

“Here’s a copy of the service,” he said impatiently. “But, you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.”

During the service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more.  Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.”

At that moment, the substitute organist played the National Antem.

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

 

Avocados

A wife asked her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

A short time later her husband came back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asked him, “Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?”

He replied, “They had avocados.”

->   If you’re a woman, I’m sure you’re going back to read it again!
->   Men will understand it the first time.

 

Water in the Carburetor

WIFE: “There is trouble with the car.  It has water in the carburetor.”

HUSBAND: “Water in the carburetor?  That’s ridiculous.”

WIFE: “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.”

HUSBAND: “You don’t even know what a carburetor is.  I’ll check it out.  Where’s the car?

WIFE: “In the pool.”

 

First Wedding Anniversary Present

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary.  So he decided to buy her a cell phone.  He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.

Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.

The next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end.

“Hi Meg,” he said, “how do you like your new phone?”

Meg replied, “I just love it! It’s so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there’s one thing I don’t understand though…”

“What’s that, sweetie?” asked her husband.

“How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?”

 

He Must Pay

The husband and wife had a tiff.  The wife called up her mom and said, “He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you.”

Mom said, “No darling, he must pay for his mistake.  I am coming to live with you.

 

Today’s Short Reading from the Bible…

From Genesis: “And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth.”

Then He made the earth round…
and He laughed
and laughed
and laughed!

 

Alcohol Abuse Lecture

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 1 am and is asked where he was going at that time of the morning.

The man replied, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body”.

The officer then asked, “Really?  Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The man replied, “My wife.”

 

Computer Down

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter said, “I’d like to get you guys in now, but our computer’s down.  You will have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can’t go back as priests.What’ll it be?”

The first priest said, “I’ve always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains ..”

“So be it,” said St. Peter, and off flew the first priest.

The second priest mulled this over for a moment and asked, “Will any of  this week ‘count’ St. Peter?”

“No, I told you the computer’s down.  There’s no way we can keep track of what you are doing.”

In that case” said the second priest, I’ve always wanted to be a stud.

“So be it” said St. Peter, and the second priest disappeared.

A week went by, the computer was fixed, and the Lord told St. Peter to recall the two priests.  “Will you have any trouble locating them? he asked.

“The first one should be easy,” said St. Peter,”he’s somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles.  But the second one could prove to be more difficult.”

“Why?” asked the Lord.

“He’s on a snow tire, somewhere in Saskatchewan.”

 

For Those Who Enjoy Language and Thinking a Little

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine
A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating – always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired.
What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted – it taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Once you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.

 

Jesus is Better than Santa

Santa lives at the North Pole.
Jesus is everywhere.

Santa rides in a sleigh.
Jesus rides on the wind and walks on the water.

Santa comes but once a year.
Jesus is an ever present help.

Santa fills your stockings with goodies.
Jesus supplies all your needs.

Santa comes down your chimney uninvited.
Jesus stands at your door and knocks … and then enters your heart.

You have to stand in line to see Santa.
Jesus is as close as the mention of His name.

Santa lets you sit on his lap.
Jesus lets you rest in His arms.

Santa doesn’t know your name, all he can say is “Hi little boy or girl, What’s your name?”
Jesus knew our name before we did. Not only does He know our name, He knows our address too. He knows our history and future and He even knows how many hairs are on our heads.

Santa has a belly like a bowl full of jelly.
Jesus has a heart full of love.

All Santa can offer is HO HO HO.
Jesus offers health, help and hope.

Santa says “You better not cry”.
Jesus says “Cast all your cares on me for I care for you.

Santa’s little helpers make toys.
Jesus makes new life, mends wounded hearts, repairs broken homes and builds mansions.

Santa may make you chuckle but,
Jesus gives you joy that is your strength.

While Santa puts gifts under your tree,
Jesus became our gift and died on the tree.

 

Plaque in the Church

One Sunday morning, the minister noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.  It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.  The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the minister walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, ‘Good morning Alex.’

‘Good morning Minister,’ he replied, still focused on the plaque.

‘Minister, what is this?’

The pastor said, ‘Well son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.’  Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Alex’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, ‘Which service, the 9:30 or the 11:00?’

 

Quotes

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
– George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea.  Visit people only once a year.
– Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books.  You may die of a misprint.
– Mark Twain

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.  Every now and then she stops to breathe.
– Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
– Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
– Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
– Rodney Dangerfield

Money can’t buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
– Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
– Joe Namath

I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon.  Then it’s time for my nap.
– Bob Hope

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
– Will Rogers

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation.  As you grow older, it will avoid you.
– Winston Churchill

Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
– Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
– Billy Crystal

 

Newfie Medical Dictionary

Artery – The study of paintings
Bacteria – Back door to cafeteria
Barium – What doctors do when patients die
Benign – What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section – A neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan – Searching for Kitty
Cauterize – Made eye contact with her
Colic – A sheep dog
Coma – A punctuation mark
Dilate – To live long
Enema – Not a friend
Fester – Quicker than someone else
Fibula – A small lie
Impotent – Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain – Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff – A Doctor’s cane
Morbid – A higher offer
Nitrates – Cheaper than day rates
Node – I knew it
Outpatient – A person who has fainted
Pelvis – Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative – A letter carrier
Recovery Room – Place to do upholstery
Rectum – Nearly killed him
Secretion – Hiding something
Seizure – Roman emperor
Tablet – A small table
Terminal Illness – Getting sick at the airport
Tumor – One plus one more
Urine – Opposite of you’re out

 

Life Explained

On the first day, God  created the dog and said: ‘Sit  all day by the door of your house and bark at  anyone who comes in or walks past.  For this, I will give you a life span of twenty  years.’

The dog said: ‘That’s a long time to be barking.  How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?’

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the  monkey and said: ‘Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.  For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.’

The monkey said: ‘Monkey tricks for twenty years?  That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?’

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: ‘You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.’

The cow said: ‘That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.  How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?’

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said: ‘Eat, sleep, play, marry, and enjoy your life.  For this, I’ll give you twenty years.’

But the human said: ‘Only twenty years?  Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back – that makes eighty, okay?’

‘Okay,’ said God, ‘You asked for it.’

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.  And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

 

Serenity

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the  elderly widow and asked, ‘How old was your husband?’
’98,’ she replied. ‘Two years older than me’
‘So you’re 96,’ the undertaker commented.
‘Hardly worth going home, is it?’ she responded.

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: ‘And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?’ the reporter asked.
She simply replied, ‘No peer pressure.’

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

I’ve sure become old!
I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.  I’m half blind; can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine; take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.  Have bouts with dementia, have poor circulation, and hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.  Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92.  Have lost all my friends.  But, thank God, I still have my driver’s license.

I feel like my body has become totally out of shape, so I obtained my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.  I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.  But … by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.  Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging?  Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, ‘For fast relief.’

THE SENILITY PRAYER :   Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Always remember This:   You don’t stop laughing because
you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing!

 

Three Men on a Hike

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river.
Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: ‘God, please give me the strength to cross the river.’

Poof!  God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about two hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: ‘God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river.’

Poof!  God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: ‘God, please give me the strength, the tools, and the intelligence to cross the river.’

Poof!  He was turned in to a woman.  She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream, and walked across the bridge.

 

The Great Flood

Late in the year 2016, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said: ‘Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.’

Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: ‘You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights’.

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard – but no Ark.

Noah!  He roared, I’m about to start the rain!  Where is the Ark?

Forgive me, Lord, begged Noah, ‘but things have changed.

I needed a building permit.

I’ve been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.

My neighbours claim that I’ve violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations.

We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark’s move to the sea.  I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem.  There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.  I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls – but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.  They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.  They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew.

Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.

The trades unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.  Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.  Noah looked up in wonder and asked, ‘You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?’

‘No,’ said the Lord, ‘The government beat me to it.’

 

Your Guide to the Meaning of Moles on the Body

At first I thought this might be better served being placed in the Reference section.  When I finished debating with myself and chuckling, I knew it should be placed here.  This article is taken from The New England Historical Society web site.  The link to the story is here.

The story gives some insight into early customs and attitudes in early America and old England.  Should you be fortunate enough to have a mole on your body, you can now confirm the original definition against your fate in life or have a chuckle at it and how wrong they were to define it’s projected effect.  Good luck.

Danger, Disappointment and Desire: Colonial Superstitions About Moles

Superstitions about moles were commonplace in colonial New England. One of the most pernicious held that moles and other markings in certain places denoted the bearer had made a pact with the devil and was a witch.

But more frivolous interpretations existed, as well. The New academy of Complements was a book of sample love letters and advice that was popular in England in the 1500s to the 1700s. It went through countless printings and iterations and the early American printer Isaiah Thomas of Worcester brought it to this country in the 1700s for entertainment and advice.

It included a complete treatise on the meaning of moles:

A mole in the middle of the forehead denotes riches and advancement, by the favor of friends.

A mole in the right part of the forehead signifies the life prosperous and successful in riches and love affairs, in he left, that you shall meet with many crosses and disappointments.

A mole between the eyes inclining to the nose denotes the party to grow rich by marriage.

A mole on the nose signifies speedy and often marriages, and the party to be fruitful in children.

A mole on the right cheek shows the party to be prosperously in worldly affairs, but covetous and desirous to circumvent other people.

A mole on the left cheek (shows to a man) cross in his affairs, to a woman lots of honor and danger of life in child birth.

A mole on the chin demonstrates a perfect wife, but promises no great riches.

A mole on the left arm promises much labor, but on the right, riches gained by industry.

A mole on the breast promises the party advancement by the favor of the Great ones.

A mole on the belly demonstrates the party to be beloved and to gain riches and advantages by it.

A mole on or near the private parts promises ability in duties, vigorous in love and successful in many children.

A mole on the neck denotes much labor and sorrow.

A mole on the right hip denotes the person greatly to be beloved, and fortunate in love affairs.

A mole on the left hip signifies the party shall be rich by death of relations.

A mole on the right knee promises success in love and several marriages.

A mole on the right leg promises plenty and an easy life, but on the left, travail and poverty and the like on the right or left foot or any part of the heel.

 

From The New Era newspaper of Newmarket, ON dated 5 Janaury 1854.

Listed under “Amusement”:

POOR LIVINGS – A young clergyman who found it imposssible to provide for his family with his verry slender income wrote to his friend, “Dear Frank, I must part with my living to save my life.”

A country schoolmaster begn one morning the duties of the day with prayer, as usual, but after prayer went up and asked a little boy why he hadn’t shut his eyes during the prayer, when he sharply responded, “We are instructed in the bible to watch as well as pray.”

“I remember,” says John Wesley, “hearing my father say to my mother, ‘How could you have the patience to tell that blockhead the same thing twenty times over?’  ‘Why,’ said she, ‘If I told him but nineteen times, I should have lost all my labour.’”

 

From The New Era newspaper of Newmarket, ON dated 22 September 1854.

Listed under “Amusement”:

A lady who rose from obscurity to great wealth by the successful speculations of her husband, is reported to be in the habit of misspelling words and quotations very strangely.  Her last mot is: “When you are at Rome do as the Romans do; and when you are at Turkey, do as the Turkeys do!”

Two Irishmen were in a prison, one for stealing a cow, and the other for stealing a watch.  “Mike” said the cow stealer, one day “what o’clock is it?” “Och, lad, I haven’t my watch handy, but I think it’s about milking time.”

One of Sir Boyle Roache’s invitations to an Irish nobleman was amusingly equivocal – “I hope, my lord if ever you come within a mile of my house, that you’ll stay there all night.”  Nor was his rebuke to his showmaker, whom he had the goet, wanting in, natural humor. “Oh you’re a precious blockhead to do directly the reverse of what I desired of you.  I told you to make one of the shoes larger than the other, and instead of that you have made one of them smaller than the other.  The very opposite!”

An old Reformer who contributes occasionally to the columns of the Leicester Mercury, thinks that the position of the Earl of Aberdeen to the Czarmay be seen in the following ancedote: – Some years since an English nobleman travelling in Ireland, being anxious to test the wit of the natives of which he had heard so much, addresses a labourer who was at work on the road – “Paddy, my boy, if the devil might have one of ustwo at the present time, which do you think he would choose?”  “Och! me to be sure.” answered Pat with a grin which reached from ear to ear.  The The Englishman regarding his reply as rather slow pursued his enquiries somewhat triumphantly, as he asked “And why so!”  “Bedad! yer honor,” replied Paddy, with a broader grin than before, “he would take me while he could get me; for sure he knows he may have your honor’s lordship at any time.”  This was quite satisfactory to his honor’s lordship, who rode on, confessing to a friend who was with him that he had only come off second best in the encounter.

“Arrah, Johhny, and where yees bin so long?”
“Why me an’ the rest of the boys have been licking an Irishman.”
“Wait, ye spalpeen, till yer daddy gits home – you’ll be after catching it!”
“Oh, he be blowed! That’s the man we’ve licked!”

“My son,” said Spiggles senior, to Spiggles junior, thinking to enlighten the boy on the propogation of the hen species, “My son, do you know that chickens come our of eggs?”
“Do they?” said Spiggles junior, as licked his plate, “I thought eggs come out of chickens.”
Thus ended the first lesson.

Imagine for a moment a rosey cheeked Munster man, paving rather leisurely the highway in Cheapside, and quite unconscious of the English dignity of a shopkeeper , blocking up a tradesman’s door with a heap of stones.
“Take these stones away,” quoth the tradesman in a fluster.
“Is it the stones? Why bin where would you have me take ’em to?”
“Take them to h–l.” replied the angry citizen.
“I’ll take them to heaven, your honour, they’ll be more out of your way there.” was the reply.

 

From The New Era newspaper of Newmarket, ON dated 6 October 1854.

Listed under “Amusement”:

“Constitutionally tired,” is now the polite way of expressing the fact that a man is naturally lazy.  We live in wonderful refined times.

We know a gentleman who is such a determined tee-totalor, that he shuts himself up and feels miserable whenever the weather is not temperate.

“Prodigious!” – by a series of experiments lately made in Philadelphia, a woman’s tongue has beencapable of moving one thousand nine hundered and twenty times a minute!
Think of that and weep!

After three:
Two specimens of poor weak human nature were seated in a parlor.  The hour was rather objectionable. Francis consulted his watch.  Annie was too abstracted to observe the movement.
“I’m after three!” he said with surprise.
“After three!” exclaimed the bewildered girl, “Pray who are the other two?”

 

 

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Signs Out Front of Churches

Adam blamed Eve.
Eve blamed the snake and the snake didn’t have a leg to stand on.

 

There are some questions that can’t be answered by Google

 

Down in the mouth?
Come in for a faith lift.

 

All services are different, we leave the repeats to TV

 

As you pass this little church,
be sure to plan a visit,
so when at last you’re carried in,
God won’t ask “Who is it?”.

 

Can’t sleep?
Don’t count sheep,
Talk to the Shepherd!

 

Speak well of your enemies.
After all, you made them.

 

Let us help you study for your final exams.

 

More than 2000 years old and still under the Maker’s guarantee.

 

God is perfect…
only man makes mistakes.

 

We are the soul agents in this area!

 

The meek shall inherit the earth –
if it’s alright with you!

 

Happy Easter to our Christian Friends.
Happy Passover to our Jewish Friends.
To our athiest friends, good luck!

Try our Sundays.
They’re better than Baskin-Robbins.

 

You are not too bad to come in.
You are not too good to stay out.

 

Can’t sleep?
Try counting your blessings.

 

Try Jesus.
If you don’t like Him, the devil will always take you back.

 

Life is hard.
Afterlife is harder.

 

Aspire to inspire
before you expire.

 

Where will you be sitting in eternity?
Smoking or non-smoking?

 

Forgive your enemies –
it messes with their heads.

 

Free coffee
Everlasting life
Yes, membership has its privileges.

 

Walmart is not the only saving place.

 

 

A Scottish woman went to the local newspaper office to publish the obituary for her recently deceased husband.
The obits editor informed her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word.
She paused, reflected and then said, “Aye, well then, let it read, ‘Angus MacPherson died’.”Amused at the woman’s thrift, the editor told her that there is a six word minimum for all obituaries.
She thought it over for a while and that said, “Ach, in that case, let it read…’Angus MacPherson died.  Bagpipes for sale’.”

 

 

From Grin and Bear It cartoons:
http://www.thestar.com/diversions/Comics.html?feature_id=Grin_and_Bear_It&feature_date=2015-03-07

Sometimes it doesn't pay to get out of bed.

Sometimes it doesn’t pay to get out of bed.

 

Be careful what you wish for

One minute you’re complaining that the kids don’t call home enough — and the next minute they’re on the phone, asking for money.

 

How do you feel?

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turned to the other and said: “Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?”

Slim said, “I feel just like a newborn baby.”

“Really!? Like a newborn baby!?”

“Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.”

 

Being Married

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
“So I hear you’re getting married?”
“Yep!”
“Do I know her?”
“Nope!”
“This woman, is she gorgeous?”
“Not really.”
“Is she a good cook?”
“Naw, she can’t cook too well.”
“Does she have lots of money?”
“Nope! Poor as a church mouse.”
“Why in the world do you want to marry her then?”
“Because she can still drive!”

 

New Hearing Aid

A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.”
“Really,” answered the neighbor . “What kind is it?”
“Twelve thirty.”

 

Doctor Visit

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You’re really doing well, aren’t you?”
Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’ ”
The doctor said, “I didn’t say that… I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’ ”

 

Church Bulletin Goofs

( from http://www.mytrees.com/newsletters/nlcenter/20141011.humour.html )

  • A farewell message to a departing priest in a parish bulletin contained the line “You will be forever be in our thoughts and prayers, You leave with out respect and love.”
  • “Continued prayers for Beatrice Stillwell , who is recovering from tree surgery.”
  • “Winnie will be in the hospital for about a week and would appreciate phoney calls and cards.”
  • Morning Worship Sermon: “When the Wine Runs Out.” Followed by coffee.
  • We need a few more volunteers to help with the monthly potluck due to the large members attending.
  • Today’s Closing Hymn: “Good Christian Fiends Rejoice”
  • “Visitors Almost Welcome”
  • If you must heave during the postlude, please do so quietly.
  • Next week – Communion Sunday. Come and join us as we break bread and wind together.

A day hemmed with prayer is less likely to unravel.
( from http://www.mytrees.com/newsletters/nlcenter/20141011.humour.html )

 

For those who speed on the highway – a few Hymns

45 mph  (72 kph) God Will Take Care of You
65 mph  (105 kph) Nearer My God To Thee
85 mph  (137 kph) This World is Not My Home
95 mph  (153 kph) Lord, I am Coming Home
100 mph (161 kph) Precious Memories

 

Amazing Simple Home Remedies:

1.  Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2.  Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3.  For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

4.  A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5.  If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you’ll be afraid to cough.

6.  You only need two tools in life – WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the wd-40 … if it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.

7.  If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.

 

Reasons for Marrying

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just been married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation.

“He’s a funeral director,” she answered.

“Interesting,” the newsman thought, he then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40’s, a preacher when in her 60’s, and now – in her 80’s – a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”

 

Something to ponder:

If you’re the smartest person in the room, perhaps you’re in the wrong room.

 

Amusing (mis)understandings about the Bible from kids:

The Bible According to Kids

 

Awesome Quotes:

Quotes by some famous people

 

Whales

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, ‘When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah’.

The teacher asked, ‘What if Jonah went to hell?’

The little girl replied, ‘Then you ask him’.

 

What Does God Look Like?

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, ‘I’m drawing God.’

The teacher paused and said, ‘But no one knows what God looks like.’

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, ‘They will in a minute.’

 

The ‘Honour’ Commandment – clarified

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to ‘honour’ thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’

From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, ‘Thou shall not kill.

 

White Hairs

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, ‘Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?’
Her mother replied, ‘Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, ‘Mummy, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?’

 

Group Photo

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

‘Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.’

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, ‘And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.’

 

Circulation of the Blood

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, ‘Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.’

‘Yes,’ the class said.
’Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?’
A little fellow shouted, ‘Cause your feet ain’t empty.’

 

Notes at Lunch

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
’Take only ONE. God is watching.’

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, ‘Take all you want. God is watching the apples.’

 

 

You might need to think twice about some of these:

1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonalds

2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tries to do

3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage

4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with

5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate

6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living

8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist

9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does

10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money

11. MISTY: How golfers create divots

12. PARADOX: Two physicians

13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower

14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm

15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with

16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV

17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring

18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife

19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does

20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official

 

Adult Truths

1.  Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch three consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

2.  Nothing pains one more than that moment during an argument when one realizes one is wrong.

3.  I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

4.  There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5.  How in blazes name are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6.  Was learning cursive really necessary?

7.  Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8.  Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9..  I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind-of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.

13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I’m positive to which I did not make any changes.

14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone, just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey.  But, I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from three feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

23. The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

 

Available on T Shirts

Hedgehogs – why don’t the just share the hedge?

Never trust an atom – they make up everything.

Back in my day we had nine planets.

Wanted Dead or Alive: Schrodinger’s cat.

Dear Algebra,
Please stop asking us to find your X.  She’s not coming back.

Come to the Nerd Side.  We have Pi.

First atom: “I lost an electron.”
Second atom: “Are you positive?”

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.

Anything unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.

Dear Math, I’m not a therapist.  Solve your own problems.

The Physics is theoretical, but the fun is real.

Misuse of “literally” makes me fuguratively insane.

People hate when sentences do not end the way they potato.

I before E except after C – weird.

Always give 100%, unless you’re giving blood.

Free contradictions, $1.00

Never judge a book by its movie.

I used to procrastinate. Now I just put things off until tomorrow.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s still on the list.

What I if told you
you read the
first line wrong?

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.

I didn’t claw my way up the food chain to eat vegetables.

List of things I hate:
1.  Shirts
2. Irony
3. Lists

What really is an aluminum falcon?

Tomorrow – the today of the future.

syn – o – nym   noun    si-no-nim        a word you use in place of one you can’t spell.

Raisin cookies are why I have trust issues.

Alliteration is alarmingly addictive.

On a scale of 1 to 10, what is your favourite colour of the alphabet?

Never drink and derive.

in-con-ceiv-a-ble
1. not conceivable
2. not what you think it means.

Amateur proorfreader.

The name Pavlov rings a bell.

If you can’t be a good example, be a warning.

Friends don’t let friends use Comic Sans.

6 out of the 7 dwarfs are not happy.

A long time ago, but somehow in the future…

When I’m sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead.

I am disappointment in your grammar.

Money buys bacon.  Bacon makes happiness.  Therefore, money buys happiness.

5/4ths of people have trouble with fractions.

 

 

Daily Living

My friend Henry, one of the keenest gardeners I know, once told me that his fine array of flowers
and plants has inspired him to develop his own “Garden of Daily Living”:
First, plant three rows of peas:
Peace of mind.
Peace of heart.
Peace of soul.
Next, plant four rows of squash.
Squash gossip.
Squash indifference.
Squash grumbling.
Squash selfishness.
Then – Plant three rows of lettuce:
Lettuce be faithful.
Lettuce be patient.
Lettuce love one another.
Complete the operation by planting
Thyme for each other:
Thyme for family.
Thyme for friends.

 

The Origin of Modern Technology

In ancient  Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?”

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, dear?”

And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).”

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.

Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures – Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.” And Abraham looked out over the  Bay of  Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said, “We need a name that reflects what we are.” And Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.” “YAHOO,” said Abraham. And because it was Dot’s idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com. Abraham’s cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot’s drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God’s Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began.

 

Ole and Sven

Ole, was the Pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church and Pastor Sven was the Minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.

One day they were seen pounding a sign into the ground, which said:

DA END ISS NEAR!

TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW

BAFOR IT ISS TOO LATE!

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, “Leave people alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!”

From the curve, they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

Shakin’ his head, Rev. Ole said “Dat’s da terd one dis mornin’.”

“Yaa,” Pastor Sven agrees, then asked, “Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say,

‘Bridge Out?’

 

A Little Holy Humour

During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:

1.  Muslims do not recognize Jews as God’s Chosen People.

2.  Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3.  Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

4.  Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.

 

GOOD SAMARITAN

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?” A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, “I think I’d throw up.”

 

DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, “Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?”

“No,” replied Johnny. “How could he, with just two worms.”

 

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible – Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.

Little Rick was excited about the task – but he just couldn’t remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous.

When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, “The Lord is my Shepherd, and that’s all I need to know.”

 

UNANSWERED PRAYER

The preacher’s 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.

“Well, Honey,” he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. “I’m asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.”

“How come He doesn’t answer it?” she asked.

BEING THANKFUL

A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, “So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That’s very commendable. What does she say?”

The little boy replied, “Thank God he’s in bed!”

 

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS

When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, “And all girls.” This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, “Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?” Her response, “Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying ‘All Men’!”

 

SAY A PRAYER

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother’s house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

“Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.” said his mother. “I don’t need to,” the boy replied.

“Of course, you do “his mother insisted. “We always say a prayer before eating at our house.”

“That’s at our house.” Johnny explained. “But this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.

 

The Power of Prayer

For what we are about to receive, let us be truly thankful.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Book of Mark

A minister told his congregation, “Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.” The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, “Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.”

 

Theology 101

When you are in your casket, and friends, family and are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say?
Three clerics were asked what words they would choose:
Protestant Minister: “I would like to hear them say that I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.”

Catholic Priest: “I would like to hear them say that I was an excellent teacher and a servant of God who made a huge difference in peoples’ lives.”

Rabbi: “I would like to hear them say, ‘Look, he’s moving.’

 

Back When I was a Kid

A mother was annoyed with her daughter for watching too much television.

She began telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.”

The little girl was wide-eyed as she took this all in.

At last she said, “I sure wish I’d known you sooner!”

 

Questions and Answers From Last Year’s Examination

These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U. .

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.

Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.